I’m a giver. I’ve always been uncomfortable taking.
Aside from myself, my voice, or an ear, I don’t have much to give, but what I do have…I’m always willing to share. Sometimes it’s sharing, sometimes it’s just giving.
I believe my dissatisfaction with what I receive from others stems from 1) being a wonderful person 2) always having good intentions & 3) what I’m trained to do as a professional. I’m slowly starting to realize that as people constantly (and I mean CONSTANTLY) pour themselves into me, I’ve got nowhere to dump the waste. People know that conversations with me remain wherever we left them. People know that if they want honesty I provide it. People know that it’s okay to be vulnerable with me. People know that I’m a safe space.
Unfortunately, I am my own safe space. Everyone has good friends (I actually have great, 5-star friends), but for whatever reason when something really hits the fan people contact ME. In no way is this a burden. It’s something I’m grateful for and proud of. I enjoy knowing that people trust me. The problem is when I pour into others suddenly the well is dry.
You can’t even apologize for not being present when I need you to be. This isn’t about location. Being present in the conversation…engaging with the words I put my pride aside for to share with you. Stepping into the darkest places of my being and you can’t even….
I’m still learning how to be good to others without them running off with all of my stuff.
It’s possible my expectations are beyond the norm because I provide that. People wouldn’t come to me if they could spill their word vomit elsewhere. It’s cool, I get it. For friends, lovers, and “the n*gga I’m talking to” I have a right to want more. Demand more. Ask for more. Expect more.
It hurts because time isn’t refundable. You can pretend
Raquan didn’t take your virginity, but you can’t pretend you didn’t give him 4 years of your existence while he maybe gave you two and a possible. I haven’t figured out how to give what I’m given. I’m brash, moody, and cold when I attempt to reciprocate negatively. I believe in communicating your needs (especially in romantic relationships) because what’s second nature for you could be foreign to them. It isn’t fair to assume everyone handles situations the way you do. So no, I don’t expect person-centered therapy techniques from friends and family, but I do expect presence. I expect engagement. I deserve that.
Peace, Love and Lil Wayne.